Thirsty Thursday

You know how you’re hanging out in a bar, and you’re kinda, sorta dating the bartender, and then there’s this jerk bouncer that keeps coming over to where you two are chatting and he keeps calling her derogatory names like “sweet tit’s” right in front of you and instead of getting mad she just laughs it off? And then, before you punch him, one of your buddies comes over and the jerk bouncer says something awful about your buddy’s grandma? Then your buddy, who’s like 5’10, a hundred pounds, and completely un-intimidating says something very quietly to the bouncer? Something that scares the bouncer so much that he ends up buying you drinks? That ever happen to you?

Me either, but that’s the premise behind “Sweet Tits” one of thirteen four to six minute episodes of “Derek & Simon,” a hilarious new web series from Superdeluxe.com. If the premise of the “Sweet Tits” episode sounds even remotely interesting to you, let me up the ante for you. The jerk bouncer from “Sweet Tits“? His character is played by Michael Cera of “Superbad” and “Arrested Development” fame, who looks to be about 12 years-old. So when he delivers off-color, sexist comments and tries to threaten Derek or Simon, there’s this layer of disbelief that this kid could ever be a bouncer (even at a Chuck-E-Cheese), but it’s played completely straight, which adds to the range of the show.

“Derek and Simon” manages to blend your typical buddy sitcom into something a little more uncomfortable and awkward. As it follows real life friends Derek Waters, Simon Helberg and their circle of friends through their ups (an allergic reaction to peanuts works favorably for Simon and his girlfriend) and mostly downs (spurting out ‘I love you’ instead of ‘I want to break up with you’, or ordering a girlfriend to stop baby-talking only to find out she’s 80% deaf), and thanks to the acting, it ends up being a surprisingly endearing odd-couple comedy about two losers in their late twenties. Derek is kind of gruff and sloppy, he’s one of those guys who seems perpetually down. Simon is usually full of grins and trying to be upbeat about things even when things are dire. If you were a fan of “Studio 60”, or were one of the five people who saw Jake Kasdan‘s depressingly hilarious “The TV Set”, you may recognize Simon. Derek on the other hand has had numerous five second cameo’s on a variety of criminally under watched pieces like “Melvin Goes To Dinner” and “Tim and Eric: Awesome Show Great Job”.

Though it’s initial run is apparently over, “Derek & Simon: The Series” is just one of many bizarre programs you can find online as the entertainment industry slowly catches up to the you tube generation. The similarly titled “Clark and Michael” was funded by CBS and stars Michael Cera and Clark Duke playing caricatures of themselves trying to get a series off the ground in L.A. The gawky pair have frequent meltdowns and rarely seem to do any actual work outside of just talking about making a hit show.

There’s also Brad Neely’s “I Am Babycakes” the animated tales of husky man-child Babycakes, his peculiar logic, and phat rhymes that defy categorization.

In addition to the lucky folks who have landed their own web shows, there are also endless hordes of independent teams of writer-director-actors like Team Tiger Awesome, Those Lil’ Rabbits, Olde English, and Dutch West (whose “Bigfoot Child Molester” would be reprehensible if it weren’t for the minor detail change of making the abductor of children a bigfoot). In addition to Superdeluxe.com, there’s also funnyordie.com, cracked.com’s video section, and the possibly dead acceptable.tv to choose from. If you’re bored, and you’ve got five minutes and a computer, your choices of entertainment are many.

Originally published in the University Chronicle on 9-17-07.

Richard Jr. stares at his mother, noticing how her skin is yellow and hanging loosely on her wiry frame. She’s wearing a sweater and khaki slacks. It’s what she always wore, her chosen uniform.

“Why do they reach for the sky and cry? I don’t like that, it’s scary,” he tells her, trying to explain why he hid this morning so he wouldn’t have to go to temple.

“They’re reaching for God, they’re trying to touch him,” she scolded him, shaking her finger at him. Her eyes never looked alive anymore. They looked like she was coasting. “They cry because they’re away from God. Like you, Richard. You can’t hide from Him.”

“I wasn’t hiding from God, I was hiding from them,” he stared into those jumpy eyes and remembered how she used to smile. “I like God, but everyone here acts weird. When can we go home?”

“You are home, Richard. This is it. This is where we’re supposed to be,” she thinks of his father, Dick, and something in her breaks. “You need to learn to like it.”

“But sometimes-”

“No, that’s enough,” she grabbed him by his tiny arm and drug him to the door. He didn’t resist. He rarely did. He loved her, he knew she missed Dad, and he wanted to her to be happy. For some reason, this place, and the way she got on with these people, that made her happy, so he tried not to make a fuss.

“Mom, it’s ok, I’m coming,” he tried to tell her as she drug him down the hall, he tried to keep pace, marching next to her. She tuned him out as they made their way across the courtyard to the temple. The jump from being inside in the stifling hallways of the compound, and then being thrust into the cool fall air reminded him of the hospital, of Dad, almost burnt to a crisp in the fire, but somehow holding on. The image of his hospital room brought back the day the churchgoers first showed up. They wandered around the neighborhood, scavenging door to door for potential converts. When they’d found Jane, his mother, freshly destroyed from the death of her husband and from being stuck with her son, they’d hit the jackpot. One short visit a day for a week and the cult had absorbed a new family, along with all their savings, which had swelled when Dad had hit the lottery the a few weeks before he died.

Richard and his mother had moved into the new wing of the compound, the one that she’d funded. She’d been overtaken with passing along the good word in their neighborhood and helping at the homeless shelters, but they’d encouraged her to move to the compound, insisting it would be good for her son. Now they lived in a small closet with a bunk bed and a desk built into the wall.

Jane led Richard into the temple right in the middle of mass. Everyone turned and stared at them and Richard feigned great interest in his dress hoes, while secretly missing his Hulk sneakers. He often felt like he was wearing two shoeboxes on his feet, but they were required dress. Jane shoved him forward and he stumbled towards the other kids his age and found a place by the Johnson twins.

“Very nice of you to join us, Richard. Did you bring your bible with today?” asked Reverend Jones, as Jane quietly shut the door to the building.

“No, Reverend Jones,” Richard said.

“And why have you not brought your bible, Richard?” asks Reverend Jones, pretending to be surprised.

“Because I didn’t want to come today,” Richard answered.

“Oh? And what makes you feel you don’t need to hear the Truth today?”

“Because you’re full of shit,” Richard replied.

Reverend Jones freezes. His eyes are wide.

The Johnson twins look at Richard in horror and scoot away from him.

“You’re all full of shit. You took my Mom’s money. Dad’s money,” Richard stares the pastor down, who’s still locked in a state of shock. “You took all of it! My Mom’s sick, she’s not ok, and you stole her money. God doesn’t prey on the weak, he helps them. He doesn’t see the sick in terms of how they can help Him!”

“Go in to the hallway, Richard. Go and wait until mass is over,” Reverend Jones tells him.

None of the boys would look at him. They’d all been staring, but now none of them wanted to be linked to the ostracized Richard.

He walked into the hall and kept going. He marched out of the temple and into the cool air. He marched right to the end of the compound and sunk his fingers into the chain link fence that kept them all in. He stared into the blue sky, out into the purple mountains, and the golden fields. He thought of running, of climbing, of flying, and then he thought of his mother and how she’d lost so much weight. How her skin had changed from a crisp tan, into a pale white, and then this new yellow. He thought of the needles he’d found in the house, of the powders he’d discovered, of the fighting he’d heard, and of the fire she’d started. He thought of how they’d told him how the money Dad had won would change his life for the better. Of how they’d both be around more. He thought of how adults lied simply because they could, and that they didn’t expect you to notice. He thought of how the world was scary, and he cried.

Maybe you want to be friends with “Thirsty-Thursday.net”? You do? click here for the new myspace digs featuring all the shorts and hopefully updates of upcoming progress.

Story by Jason Schueppert.

A couple of months ago I sent Witch’s Hat, a wild, fantasy, classic rock band from Columbia, Missouri a list of interview questions. In-between their quest to fight evil, save princesses, drum up buzz for their new album “Mastery of the Steel” and exhausting games of tennis, they responded with the following answers:

How did you guys get your start?

-got our start playing open mic nights and performing blood sacrifices to whatever gods would take them.

Were there previous bands before the almighty Hat that any of you were involved in? If so, what happened to them and how did you end up in the Hat?

nothing you’ve ever heard of. Three of us were in the Rigel 5-primarily a monster party/surf rock band

How was the music scene when you were getting started in Missouri?

-the scene was pretty bumping in Columbia. Bald Eagle, Foundry Field Recordings and others were drawing pretty big crowds. A lot of people went out to see music then. Maybe the same number still do, but now they have to go outside to smoke, in Columbia anyway.

Have you drummed up a nice following since the beginnings? Perhaps you’re hometown heroes all the kids look up to?

We have a solid following in the realm of Columbia. There is a core of High Schoolers that are really in to us, no one has called us heroes yet.

Does everyone have day jobs in the group? If so, what would they be?

Bert teaches children
Dwayne works at a hospital (surgeon)
Steve deals with office supplies
no one is sure what Greg does.

Where did the concept of Witch’s Hat (the sound, the lyrical content) come from? Is there really a profound appreciation for Dungeons and Dragons, renaissance fairs, and fantasy metal?

Oh yes. We sing/play what we are in to, which is mostly d & d/fantasy/ various video game inspired. There is conscious effort not to sing about our personal problems/love or that our dad didn’t pick us up from school on time. If you want to gripe about that, put it in a diary. We aren’t trying to be metal so much, but some of that comes out.

How did you end up making the album? Did the material convince you to do it, or you maybe got an offer from the label to get an LP out there, or what was it that prompted the creation of “Mastery of the Steel”?

We simply had enough songs and wanted something to give out at shows. The label then wanted us to make it an official album.

Was it difficult recording it? Or stressful?

Yes. Far too difficult. We were clueless about the process at first. The studio we used, didn’t have digital mixing, so we had to mix in real time. So if you missed one fade in or mute, you had to start the song over and do it again. There was also no automation. So lets say we thought the snare drum was a little loud in one song. If we wanted to fix it, we couldn’t pull up the mix and make that one adjustment. We had to reset everything and start from scratch. It was hell. The studio we used just got pro tools so that shit will never happen again.

How long were you in the studio?

We were in and out for over a year. Unfortunately, most of that time was spent doing the bullshit mentioned above.

I find your lyrics very playful, but they’re delivered completely straight, do you find it difficult to kind of straddle the line between funny and convincing? Do you ever fear of going over the top?

Every story we put out is done in all seriousness. I think we have gone over the top with the subject matter (androgynous alien love, dancing robots, gun toting nuns, the last vampire) but the key is that we portray the story with verse and song in a way that we really empathize with the characters. If we can write something that we can get into, it allows the crowd to get in to the stories as well, sort of like an audio comic book.

Have you found the public pretty receptive to the live shows and the album?

The public is very receptive to our live shows. There is still a good response to the album, but its hard to “get it” until you see us live. There are lots of arm gestures and motions that sell the songs, which you obviously don’t get on a CD alone.

Have you guys been touring a lot on the record? How has that been going?

We toured out east for a month for the release of the album. We would like to get to a point where we can tour nonstop for several months, but we aren’t quite there yet. This October, we are playing CMJ in New York which is exciting.

Do you have any grueling tales of stolen gear or obnoxious fans/bar employees?

No stolen gear yet. We ran over someone on the highway on tour and had to bury his body in the desert. We sang songs to pass the time while digging and actually came up with most of the new album that way.

Are there any shows you’ve had that were particularly memorable (either for being wonderful, awful, or maybe you were part of a mismatched bill)?

We had one show in Minneapolis that was a little ridiculous. The sign on the bar said “Meat raffle every Saturday”. We walked in and the bar had about 15 middle aged men. They were all quietly drinking beer and watching jeopardy, when the meat raffle began. Apparently you buy a ticket and have a shot at winning a country ham. What really blew my mind, was that it was Thursday! I thought the meat raffle was supposed to be on Saturdays! Luckily, the meat raffle crowd left before the show and some more appropriate bar goers showed up.

Would you say the college radio scene is a pretty big factor in who’s playing you right now? If so, how do you feel about that as an outlet?

I’m not sure what you are saying here, but I like it.

How do you feel about the Tenacious D tag that follows you (it’s just something I’ve noticed a few people fall back on when describing you)? Do you find it accurate, or maybe a starting point for the humor in the band?

I can see how people get that comparison. Greg (singer) does bear some resemblance to Jack Black and is very animated on stage. Thats where the similiarities end though. We approach the music and lyrical content at a totally different angle than the D. We like the D, but I think once you see a couple of our shows and listen to what we are doing, you get thats it entirely different .

Do you guys listen to metal? If so, who’s in the tops as far as your choices?

Yes. Iron Maiden is incredible, as well as some Dio selections. Those two are our biggest metal influences.

And if not metal, who are your influences and what do you listen to?

Rush, Enya, Devo, Airship themes, Voltron, and Champions of Norrath.

Do you guys play D&D or anything like that? Or have you ever?

Yes, not as much as we used to. A few of us are getting back into it lately though. Greg is a brutal, vicious and unforgiving dungeon master .

How was making the “Glodyany 1972″ for Das Karnival?

Simply a blast. One of Chase Thompson’s first “music videos”. It was shot in an hour and half with a budget of 18 dollars for pumpkins.

For doubles matches, tips on dragon slaying, or how to cut carbs, the Witch’s Hat fellas can be found at myspace.com/witchshat.

CHARACTERS

JENS, a tall, pale vampire
BALDWIN, a drug dealer in his 20’s

SETTING

BALDWIN is sitting in his sparsely furnished studio apartment, staring out the window into the night.

SCENE ONE.
BALDWIN’S apartment. BALDWIN is staring out the window, drumming his hands on the windowsill. It is nighttime.

BALDWIN
(drumming hands to the beat)
I am looking for a dime, that is top of the line. A round face, a chubby waist, and big behind.
(There is a knock at the door, BALDWIN goes to look through the peephole on the front door)

BALDWIN
Who is it?

JENS
It’s Jens!

BALDWIN
Jens who?

JENS
How many Jens do you know?

BALDWIN
Jens who!

JENS
Jens the vampire, man!

BALDWIN
(BALDWIN opens the door)
Jens, man, how you doin’?

JENS
Can’t really complain, you know?

BALDWIN
I hear you, brother. Come in. What’s new, man?

JENS
Neighbor problems.

BALDWIN
Neighbor problems?

JENS
Neighbor problems.

BALDWIN
So….

JENS
This lady and her two daughters moved into my building.

BALDWIN
Families are nice.

JENS
Not this one. They live right upstairs from me. Except it’s like we share an apartment, because the fuckin’ mom is always screaming at the two kids. All day long. Apparently she doesn’t work, and neither of the kids are in school yet, so they race around like little fuckin’ bulldozers, like they have lead shoes or some shit, clomping around. And as if the constant thudding isn’t enough, the mom is always screaming at the top of her lungs, calling them monsters, which, honestly, I take offense at, you know, me being one and all.
(JENS pauses)
Then the kids start calling her names back. You know what one of them called her? A cunt. Yup, a kid that isn’t old enough for kindergarten yet, screamed ‘you cunt’ to her mother, and then stormed off to her room to slam her door for five minutes. Five long, loud, wall shaking minutes, and she screamed at the top of her lungs the entire time, howling ‘cunt,’ really dragging it out, like cunnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnntt, and the entire time the mom is yelling back at her, these really awful, awful things.
(JENS shakes his head)
I hate kids, man.
(JENS pauses)
You know what I think about all day while they’re doing that? I think about eating them. Just going up there and eating the kids right in front of their mother. Just ripping right into the fuckers, letting blood spray every which way, and just gobble them right up as mom watches. And then, when she’s reeling from either the sheer awfulness of watching her children killed in front of her, or swelling with the joy of her new freedom, I’d go bite her fuckin’ head off. She is such a shitty fuckin’ mom. Maybe I should slip some parenting pamphlets under the door or something, give her some pointers. I just don’t know how to handle this one.

BALDWIN
(BALDWIN stares at JENS awkwardly)
That’s pretty heavy , man.

JENS
It’s just ridiculous, you know? I don’t have a whole lot going on. I watch a lot of videos, play some videogames, and once in a while I eat people. Having my little fortress of solitude broken by bad parenting really irks me.

BALDWIN
(Baldwin stares at Jens for a few moments)
So you’re looking for a little stuff, huh?

JENS
Yeah.

BALDWIN
Well, I believe I can help you out. How much you looking for?

JENS
A fifty would be fine.

BALDWIN
You bring some loot?

JENS
(JENS looks at BALDWIN with a bewildered expression)
Some what?

BALDWIN
Loot, man.

JENS
You mean money?

BALDWIN
Why you always got to fuck with me?

JENS
Well, what’s that ‘loot’ shit? I’ve honestly never heard you say ‘loot‘.

BALDWIN
It’s cool. It’s what people say.

JENS
Who says it?

BALDWIN
People, man.

JENS
You mean rappers?

BALDWIN
(BALDWIN pauses and stares at JENS for a moment.)
Yeah, man, rappers. Fine, I got it from the MTV, are you happy?

JENS
You need to get rid of cable.

BALDWIN
It’s free!

JENS
You ever punch yourself in the face?
(JENS stares at BALDWIN as though it’s a valid question. BALDWIN stares back at him, annoyed.)

JENS
That’s free, too. That’s all I’m saying.

BALDWIN
(BALDWIN is annoyed)
You got your fifty bucks?
(JENS rifles through his pockets and pulls out a checkbook.)

BALDWIN
What are you doing?

JENS
Fifty, right?

BALDWIN
Are you writing a check?
(JENS looks at BALDWIN as though he’s a moron.)

JENS
Yeah.

BALDWIN
What the fuck, man.

JENS
I don’t have any cash.

BALDWIN
You can’t write a check, man.

JENS
Dude, I’m good for it.

BALDWIN
It ain’t about that, man. No paper trail, you know what I’m saying?

JENS
Come on! You sell weed! Shitty weed! You think the DEA are building a case against you?

BALDWIN
(pauses and sighs)
It’s a golden rule, brother.

JENS
(JENS glares at BALDWIN)
I’ll fuckin’ bite you.

BALDWIN
(BALDWIN pauses and stares at JENS, who has clearly crossed a line.)
You’re gonna bite me?

JENS
That was out of line, I’m sorry.

BALDWIN
Who’s going to get you shit, huh? You think you can just run down to the 24-hour Wal-Mart and grab some dope? Huh? Look, if you don’t want my shit, you’re free to go elsewhere. Or how about I accept stamps? You got some postage stamps on you? They’re legal tender, you know.

JENS
Dude, I’m sorry, I lost my cool. I was out of line.

BALDWIN
You know anybody else that’s willing to sell a little weed to a vampire? I ain’t never heard of no fuckin’ vampires and people hanging out. It’s unnatural.
(JENS stares at BALDWIN)

BALDWIN
Whatever. Just leave me the check and you can come by with cash tomorrow and I’ll give it back to you.

JENS
Are you sure?

BALDWIN
Yeah, I get up at noon. Anytime after that is cool.

JENS
Noon isn’t good. I watch ‘Dr. Phil’ at noon.

BALDWIN
Say what?

JENS
I said I’m busy at noon.

BALDWIN
During the day?

JENS
Yeah.

BALDWIN
I thought you people slept all day.

JENS
You people?

BALDWIN
You know…

JENS
No, I don’t know.
(JENS stares down BALDWIN, while BALDWIN shifts around uncomfortably.)

JENS
Scandinavians?

BALDWIN
Come on man, you know what I meant.

JENS
Yeah, I know what you meant.

BALDWIN
What do you do all day?

JENS
I get high.
(JENS pauses)
You know, if you ever want to come over and watch Dr. Phil sometime, you’re more than welcome.

BALDWIN
(BALDWIN stammers)
Um…I don’t know…I have work or something.

JENS
Yeah, no that’s cool. I just thought…

BALDWIN
No, I totally would, I’m just busy. Working. Otherwise I would.

JENS
Sometimes I think about joining a book club or something, just to get out of the apartment a little more and be around some people.
(pauses)
I wish we had a 24-hour video store or something like that where I could work nights. That sounds nice.

BALDWIN
Well, listen man, I’ve got some stuff to do. Important stuff.

JENS
Oh. Ok.

(BALDWIN and JENS stare at each other awkwardly for five seconds.)

BALDWIN
So….

JENS
You want to watch a movie or something?

BALDWIN
No, I can’t. I’m pretty tied up right now, so…
(pauses and stares at JENS)
I guess I’ll see you later?

JENS
Oh! Ok, yeah.
(JENS stands up and heads for the door)
So, you know, if you want to hang out or something, give me a call.

BALDWIN
Sure, yeah.
(walks over to the door JENS is exiting)
Hey, don’t forget that money tomorrow.

JENS
(pause)
No problem. I’ll see you tomorrow.
(pause)
You know what? I think I’m going to go grab an application at the Super America. That’d be cool, right?

BALDWIN
Yeah, sure.
JENS
They’re always hiring, you know cause the always get robbed. I’d be a good choice for employment, you can’t shoot me. I mean, you can, but it’s not going to do much.

BALDWIN
Yeah. Great.
(JENS stands one the other side of the door staring at BALDWIN. They both pause there for a moment. BALDWIN closes the door with JENS still standing there expectantly. BALDWIN locks the door and goes back to the window. BALDWIN sits and resumes staring blankly out the window and drumming his hands on the windowsill)

Story by Jason Schueppert.