Making A New Friend

A busy night at home is interraupted by unwanted houseguest Crispin Glover. This is an idea that was floating around with Chayden, Ben Herreid, and I a few years ago. We never got around to shooting it for DecoDv.

It may help if you’re familiar with Glover and his off-screen persona. If you’ve seen the “Late Night with David Letterman” episode where Glover refuses to break character, kicks at Dave (while proclaiming “I am strong!”), and is then thrown off the show, or have seen the video for “Clowny Clown Clown”, or perhaps have heard of his film “What Is It?” that features only actors with downs syndrome, I think you’ll grin at “Making A New Friend.”

The song is “Times Are Bad” by Adam Green.

Movie by Jason Schueppert.

“Buy me a drink,” he spoke to the empty mug in front of him.

I bought him that drink and the tale began. When he was sixteen, Bill’s grades were good. He was a happy, good looking kid, nothing like the grizzled, worn, middle aged man in front of me. Now he wore flannel and worked at a paper mill. His best friend back then had been Skippy Peterson. The two were inseparable until Skippy started getting into drugs.

“Shit, I forgot to mention the old man. I can’t go on without introducing the old man.” He was still speaking to the mug.

Bill’s old man worked at a meat packing plant and drank heavily. The two of them got on well during the day, but after dinner, the old man got mean from drink. One time he caught Bill’s older brother, Karl, sneaking a cheese sandwich after eleven.

“You little faggot! You buy that bread? That your cheese?” The old man grabbed Karl by the shirt and tried his hardest to knock the scavenging teeth out of his head. He succeeded in beating four of them out.

“We knew to be careful. I always was. I’d be home well before curfew. I wouldn’t even leave my room after ten, in case he saw me in the hall. If I had to piss, I’d use a cup or bottle. Tough luck if I had to shit.”

One night while Bill was sleeping, Skippy came by. No one locked their doors back then. Skippy just walked right in. He opened the door to Bills’ room and watched him sleep. Skippy’d just taken three hits of acid and was in a very off state of mind.

“I slept naked back then. It was some stupid phase I was going through…”

After a few minutes of watching Bill, Skippy realized that he wasn’t acting normal. Bill was acting normal. Emulating Bill, Skippy took off his clothes. Then he climbed into bed with him. The acid was scaring him, he needed an anchor. Needless to say, Bill woke immediately.

“I must have screamed. I didn’t know what the hell was going on.”

John, Bill’s father, came storming into the room, ready to pound some respect into his son. He was furious the boy had awoke him.

“The old man just lost it. He saw me first, naked, standing. Then he saw Skippy in the bed. Skippy just stared.”

John dragged Bill, naked, to the garage. He threw him to the concrete floor. He tore a pair of pliers from the wall and marched to Bill, terrified and cowering on the floor. John grabbed Bill by the wrist.

“I should have run when he went to the tools. I was scared, he was a vicious man and I was terrified. He never said a thing to me, before, or after. He wouldn’t even look me in the eyes. He just started pulling. It took a few tries in the beginning; pliers don’t take to fingernails too well. Then he got the hang of it.” Bill looked worn out, like he’d told this tale a few times and it was wearing on him. I signaled to the bartender for another couple of shots. We got those out of the way before he finished.

“I screamed. I begged. The pain was horrible,” Bill looked to his smooth fingertips. “The feeling of something ripping out of your skin, feeling it slide underneath on its way out. The old man finished and left me alone, naked and sobbing on the floor of the garage. We didn’t talk much after that.”

Story by Jason Schueppert.

Operator: “Chrysler corporation, could you please hold.”

Roger: “No, I can’t fucking hold. This is an emergency!” After a few seconds Roger realizes that they weren’t asking a question. He was going to be on hold regardless.

Some time passes.

Operator: “Hello, thank you for calling-”

Roger: “Dammit, I’ve been on hold for ten minutes!”

Operator: “Sir, I would appriciate it if you wouldn’t use that kind of language. Now how can Chrysler help you?”

Roger: “Sorry, listen I have a bit of a problem.”

Operator: “And what would that be, sir?”

Roger: “Well, I was driving my nephew to school (he’s six), and-”

Operator: “Oh, they’re so cute at that age!”

Roger: “Well, yeah, I guess. So, I accidentally ran over a road construction cone and he started laughing really hard. So I ran over some more.”

Operator: “Sir, let me stop you right there. Chrysler and it’s subsudiaries are not responsible for any damage or charges to it’s customers or their vehilces incurred by reckless behavior.”

Roger: “Well, it didn’t seem reckless at the time.”

Operator: “No, no it never does, now does it?”

Roger: “I guess not…”

Operator: “So what happened, sir?”

Roger: “Well, the air-bag went off.”

Operator: “Oh, are you and your nephew ok?”

Roger: “Well, I’m fine. But Nicky didn’t fare so well.”

Operator: “Sir, we plainly spell out in the manual that you are not to have children in the front seat. Air-bags are dangerous to children.”

Roger: “Yeah, apparently.”

Operator: “What happened to him?”

Roger: “He doesn’t have a head.”

Operator: “Excuse me?”

Roger: “His head. It’s gone.”

Operator: “Excuse me?”

Roger: “The air-bag, it went off and it took his head right off.”

Operator: “Oh, oh my.”

Roger: “Yeah, I know.”

Operator: “Well, what do you want us to do about that?”

Roger: “Do you think you could tell my sister for me?”

Operator: …

Roger: “She’s probably going to be pretty mad.”

Jason Schueppert

“Hey, Peter, do you have a minute?” Jason hangs his head out of his office a flags Peter down.

“Sure,” Peter, who was on his way to the bathroom, turns around and steps into Jason’s office. “What can I do for you?”

Jason: “Knock knock.”

Peter: “Who’s there?”

Jason: “The interrupting cow.”

Peter: “The interrupti-“

Jason: “Moo!”

Peter: “So the joke is that you’re interrupting me?”

Jason: “Yes.”

Peter stares at his co-worker.

Peter: “That was stupid.”

Jason just stares at Peter, a grin spread across his face. Peter stares and wonders if it would be rude to leave.

Jason: “Knock knock.”

Peter: “Who’s there?”

Jason: “The interrupting robot.”

Peter: “The interuptin-“

Jason: “Moo.”

Peter: “That one doesn’t even make sense. Robot’s don’t say moo.”

Jason: “They do if you program them to.”

Peter: “Look, I really have to get back to work, there’s a lot of stuff piling-“

Jason: “Knock knock.”

Peter sighs.

Peter: “Who’s there?”

Jason: “The interrupting chicken.”

Peter: “The interrupting chicken who?”

Peter waits patiently for the punch line as he wonders why he is compelled to say ‘who’s there’ when people say ‘knock knock. Seven seconds pass.

Jason: “Cluck”

Peter: “I don’t think you did that one right. You didn’t interrupt me, and you waited a really long time before the punch line.”

Jason: “Chickens are very polite creatures, they never interrupt.”

“Are you OK? Is everything all right at home?” Peter begins to worry about his safety in Jason’s office.

Jason: “Knock knock.”

Peter: “Who’s there?”

Jason: “The interrupting Mormon.”

Peter: “The interrupting-“

Jason: “Have you found Jesus?”

“Well that’s really great, Jason. You seem to really have the art of the knock-knock joke down. I’ve gotta get back to work, but thanks for that break. It was great.” Peter finally rises to his feet and begins to exit the office.

Jason: “Knock knock.”

Peter: “Who’s there?”

Jason: “The interrupting cow.”

Peter: “The interrupti-“

Jason: “Moo!”

Peter: “What was different about that?”

Jason: “Nothing.”

Peter leaves, hurrying out the door. Jason stares off into space, pleased. As Peter walks back to his desk, his bladder bounces around and he remembers he never went to the bathroom. He decides he does not like Jason, not one bit.

Jason Schueppert