Thirsty Thursday

Perhaps you’re wondering how to make a turkey delicious this holiday season. Or perhaps you want to know how other people make ‘em. Or, just maybe, you wonder what the kids think goes into that delicious fowl. Here are some second grade children’s responses when they were asked how to make a turkey:

Gregor:
List of ingredients: Papr spisiy, sos, chicin brast, salt

Directions: frst you biy the turkey then you wosh the turkey and then you cook the turkey for an howr and tak it out then you put the paprspisis and then you cook it for a nother half a howr and take it owt and add the soy and the solt and the checin brast.

Josie:
List of ingredients: first staffing 3/2 seaning that rel stuff, second solt 2/2, after paper 1/2

Directions: Fist you bake it and after a hour you take it out some times longer then that so after you wait for it to coll off you all so make more stuff the that i forget a big stape befor you holf to cleane it. Some peple don’t clene it but most do. Then you eat it!

Hamilton:
List of ingredients: 1 knife, 1 salt, 5 spice’s, 1 pan, 1 pepper, 1 turkey

Directions: first go to the store buy turkey. Second come home. Third place turkey in pan. Forth take the knife, cut bones out and most of fat. Fifth take out livers, spleen and stomach if they are not out. Put in oven bake at about 205 degrees for about one houre then serve it.

Something I’m really intrigued by is how the internet not only creates celebrities, but it also unearths and lumps everything that a person has done together into one arena. If they did something, well, it’s out there…somewhere.

Take a look at Andy Samberg from SNL. You know, the goofy looking one who grins a lot. He actually looks a lot like my old roommate.

Where did he come from? He just showed up on Saturday Night Live a year and a half ago and started popping up everywhere as soon as that whole “Lazy Sunday” thing took off. Did you know he has a movie coming out in a few months? Seriously, he’s got a movie already. Will Forte (the other goofy looking guy) does too! These people have to have started somewhere. It’s not like SNL just up and hires mailboys.

Well, thanks to the internet, I stumbled across Samberg’s roots. A while ago I watched an episode of “The Lonely Island” on youtube starring Samberg and two other guys. It was kind of on-off funny and cheap looking (not that cheap matters when it comes to funny), kind of the epitome of making some shit on the cheap to get your career rolling. Granted, “Island” was shot back in ‘01, but it eventually turned into a sweet gig for the goofy bastard. Samberg and those other two guys, who it turns out are his writing partners, did a much better sketch comedy show that they made a pilot for in 2005. A pilot that nobody wanted. Which, except for most of the Jack Black opening, is really pretty funny. That pilot is known as:

I’ve always thought that “Shortcut” was pretty hilarious and I’ve been pretty bummed I couldn’t have gotten in on it.

The high concept of Wolfman and Dracula arguing over rights to who gets the park on what night blows my mind every time. They’re goofy.

I spent the weekend filming a sketch comedy show with Chayden and about half of the people I know.

At one point after shooting a bit, I realized that having a small fire in the parking lot was not something that I should have done. It was even mentioned before it began, “shouldn’t we have a way of putting it out?”

To which I said something along the lines of, “nah.” As though it would just take care of itself. Which it would if given a long enough period of time, but with that little bonfire going with cars and buildings twenty feet away, that seemed like a bad idea. What would we do, all eight or nine of us, were we supposed to go inside and hide? Luckily there was a large rubber matted length of carpet lying in the parking lot.

The fire was extinguished. Twice. It didn’t take the first time…

Anyways, “Sparkle Picnic” is the name of the sketch show. I think the possibility of chopping down 100 minutes to five or ten minutes is going to take a while, but we should be seeing the first episode out around the end of June (date subject to change). The editor is cracking away at it, possibly even as you read this.

On that note, I would like to remind you that you can’t ignite gasoline with a cigarette. Plan ahead.

Maybe you want to be friends with “Thirsty-Thursday.net”? You do? click here for the new myspace digs featuring all the shorts and perhaps updates of progress on various projects.

Jennifer and I were watching “My Name is Earl” earlier today. Just having a lazy day and watching some TV. She’d made some popcorn in the microwave and it was sitting in a metal bowl.

You know how that popcorn heats up in the microwave? Like it’ll burn you if you touch a kernel fresh out of there. Well, that heat transferred to the bowl so the bottom was hot. Real hot.

I should probably mention now that I wasn’t wearing pants. Or underwear. It was hot, so I stripped. It was actually pretty great.

So she passes the popcorn bowl and sets it on my man parts.

I jerked backwards and spilled most of the popcorn and kernels, which rained on my legs and the bed. Then the bowl landed on my leg and I jumped out of the bed in a blind flurry of panic.

As I flew off, my body kind of tossed itself into the nightstand and my hands grabbed to right myself as I fell. Luckily Jennie has this cute, little, purple sun made out of steel that holds a candle. And yes, the sun has rays jutting out of it, these sharp little knives of steel. So that is what my right hand landed on. The little wedge of steel that’s maybe an inch and a half long jammed right in there and stuck as I pulled my hand back, dangling off my injured hand.

So the lesson that I’m taking from this is that even if you think you’re being cute and silly, if you strip, you’re girlfriend will burn you. Like with heat.

Dear reader,

Long ago I heard about “Mr. Hands” from a variety of people. He’s that guy who got fucked to death by a horse (kind of).

I said, “I don’t want to see that.”

Then earlier today I read a review for “Zoo” a movie brought about by the demise of “Mr. Hands,” it’s a quasi documentary (though apparently not a good one) about beastiality in Washington state. Well, the more it mentioned the “Mr. Hands” incident, the more I wanted to know more. I wanted details. I started searching. I found this at The encyclopedia of stupid:

Mr. Hands’s story gets more disturbing the deeper you go.

The video was allegedly one of many videos of men getting equinomorphically browndicked, in some kind of hellish bestial bordello in Seattle. Bestiality is in fact not illegal in the state of Washington (not that it’s exactly applauded in the community either - the law just doesn’t mention it either way), and this stable had been functioning as a zoophiliac’s knocking shop for some time. Somehow, Mr. Hands was the first person to actually get killed by the anal penetration of an enormous horse cock…either that or the brothelkeeper simply ran out of space to bury Hands’ body.

So, of course, I ended up watching it.

I was in my office and hollered to my friend Donny, who is familiar with the tale, that we should have a smoke and watch it. He told me to go fuck myself. I mentioned it to Terry, and he said he was up for it.

So we fired it up and made Donny watch.

There’s a rump (man rump). There’s a horse-torso. Then there’s the horse cock. Then it tries to get in the man (who at first glance seems to have some horrible genital warts, but I think they might be piercings). It succeeds, there are awful sounds, and in a short period of time the awful, awful footage is over.

The legend goes that a few hours later, “Mr. Hands” is said to have died from severe blood loss on the way to the hospital. Something tore (perforated colon).

After the video we were all left in shock and horror. Terry thought he might puke. Donny stormed around the offices. They both said “fuck you” to me a few times. I kept trying to stop feeling molested.

I suggest you gather your loved ones around and watch the video:

“Mr. Hands”